Indifference.

So a phrase popped into my head this morning that I got from youth group last year. It's crazy how I just now remembered it. I'm assuming it just popped into my head after I recapped all of our recent talks about this whole situation. This whole relationship. (?) This whole fucking practical joke.

"The opposite of love is indifference."

I was always made to believe that the opposite of love was hate. Happy was sad. Funny was tragic. Just complete polar opposites of the original feeling.

So when they started talking about indifference- it made me confused. What the fuck is indifference? Honestly.

It's an unbiased impartial unconcern. No feelings, no emotions whatsoever that could even label it as a specific feeling because you don't FEEL it per say.
I had to mull the phrase over and over again in my head until I probably over analyzed its meaning to the key. Crazy.

But suddenly, that phrase made me think again today.

We talked again. Talked about how our compromises were never met half way with one another. How distrust was already forming in the bullshit of a mess we made up in the first place. How we didn't have chemistry. How it seems like we both have freaking steel walls built against each other.

"... I'm so tired of how we don't talk as much as if you don't give a damn."

I'm exhausted. It's still a wonder to me though, just why we both still insist to partake in something we both obviously think is 40% a waste of our time. The other 60% based on our weak hearted feelings for each other and the fact that we've grown accustomed to one another's presence around. Then again, we'd have to knock the percentage down a bit more since there are too many negatives and arguments for anyone to actually ignore.

Let's try this again.
48% waste. 52% retry.

There, the numbers are more specific now.
So let me ask this question again.

Why bother with something so obviously pointless and mind wrenching when neither one of us is actually cooperating with the other? Why voice out just how much my characteristics and habits make you frustrated with me? Why do I cry over petty matters if it's obvious that we're driving each other crazy? Why keep fighting for that 4% difference in hopes that it'll favor a certain percentage when both our feelings and characters are subject to change every single second of every day?

Because the feeling we have isn't indifferent. It's not mutual.
Not casual.
Not even a slight bit lightweight.
Because we feel like taking a chance.

I'm not drawing the connection that since this feeling isn't indifference, that it's love-
But it takes some sort of twisted affection for one another to actually keep indulging in this whole getup that we've been trying to work through.

So no, I'm not naming this off as love. Far from it
because I'm not completely positive that we both can indulge in that sweet splendor after all the shit we've done.

But that phrase did make me think about things.
If you didn't put up with my daily rants and mess ups and you just didn't give a fuck-
Well hello, indifference.
But you care. &I try not to admit it much, but I can see the look in your eyes sometimes that says you feel something towards me.

Actually, you know what?

I give up.
As deep as this whole blog sounds and as much as it sounds like I've figured out the whole concept of this love and indifference equation- I'm probably most likely far from the actual meaning. I'm probably just basing off what I think I know and feel but fuck it. To each his or her own, I guess.
I'll still stick by my word.



(And you.)