Sudden thought.

The frustrations you put me through are fucking insane.

Actually, that was more than a sudden thought.
More like it's a constant repetition of annoyance that repeatedly beats me over in the head. Gah. As to why I still put up with the negativity is beyond me. I'm done.

* So recently things have been looking up and changing for the better besides the little side factor that I've been getting lately. Least in my perspective anyways. I'm enjoying the changes. Its refreshing to the usual schedule.

Unease and irritation.

So this week of March is definitely... different.
Remember two days in particular, the 17th and 19th. Yeah. The certain days with CC.

The title seems to match just exactly how I'm feeling at this point. All cards out on the table, I needa vent this shit and not need to worry about if it makes people think this or that. Get sad. Or mad. Or just anything negative. I'm tired of trying to fit into everyone's life now. Trying to perfect myself. Yes, I act like I have control. Try burying myself in my studies. Not showing emotion as much as I usually would. Put up the constant walls. Act fair. Try being the better person. But fuck it. I want what I want for once! Please. Just once, I would want everything that I feel strongly about. I want that guy that I'm practically head over heels for. But I want him. Just HIM. No other add ons. No other girls on him. I don't want to be second place anymore. I deserve better than that from him. Or at least someone else that can show me different. WHERE THE FUCK IS EVERYONE? I keep running into relationships at the wrong time. The feeling is so right to me. Yet, I'm pushed aside still because there's someone else in this bullshit of an equation. I sit here and act as if I'm strong enough to get through this. Get through the emotional beating its putting me through when the mere image of her next to you pops into my mind. &Won't leave. I try my hardest, I do. But I feel I deserve more than that. I need someone who needs just me. Just. me. I can feel a knot in the middle of my chest that I'm trying so hard to choke down. Have calm recollective... NO. Fuck that.


I need someone that can be there for me.
That needs me just as much too.
I need someone that can give me himself fully.
I need. I need. I fucking need a break from this shit.
I need someone to actually tell me straight up that they're willing to build something with me.
Something strong. Something reliable. Something I feel I need after all I've been put through lately.

Bottomline.

I assume that if I keep my time all full and busy with extra junk to do-
I won't have to think too much on my whole situation.

So focus on school tomorrow. I have a shit load of work I'm probably gna get tomorrow. GAH. I'll probably be stuck in the library in the morning and during most of lunch again to work on it. Least that way, I'm not so worried over the tension factor between me and that damn carbon copy. I swear. It's like twilight zone mixed with a bit of nostalgia whenever I talk to him. It's driving me insaaaaaane. I can only talk to him in person a few minutes at a time before I feel it getting weird. I'll just stick to texting you. Less weird. But c.c's becoming a pretty good friend though. That's nice. I need that.

I need to write two more pieces for the "Hella Poetic" show. Shitshitshit. I have two so far. The proposing one and the generic happiness one. UGHHH. I want to do one about my school and the crowd there but I'm unsure of how I'll pitch it and make it sound good without it sounding fucking boring and ish. It's a work in progress. I have a good idea for another one I'm writing. Now if I could only memorize all of these pieces without going onstage with the paper with me... -_-;


But still...


You are driving me crazy here. I'm not even sure what to do about this. I want to seem like I have control over my part of the situation but it's just an act. Fuck. I can't even sleep right now cause this shit's bugging the hell out of me. Be composed. Breathe. Be completely rational. I'm trying. And failing. What the fuck is happening? I know what it is.
I miss you. :/

Practically generic.

Tell me I'm wrong
Tell me to stop
Tell me I'm a hypocrite
But tell yourselves to shut up and fucking listen for once
We're all too wrapped around the concept
That without materialistic pleasures, we are left inept
Left unsatisfied with the real world's society
Blaming external forces for the ruination of yours and my own mentality
We try to escape.
Try to release our bonds from the mess we've created for some under the influence getup.
Give up that shit cause you'll only fuck up.
We try to obtain happiness in any form of it we can.
Physical. Or mental.
We've skipped all fundamentals.
We're desperate.
We're ignorant.
Ignorance is bliss; but it just won't cut it.
Yes.
I am a fucking hypocrite.
Or cynic. Either way I'm tired of this modern bullshit.
It's amazing how rare true happiness is in our generation.
Hope being our reason. Our own fake ass inspiration.
Our own idealism on this make believe garbage is abomination.
Sudden self reflection:
People's idealism on happiness gathers through our own transpired connections.
Media's to blame for all of this over hyped, stereotyped shit full of lies
Individual thinking. Different answers. Say goodbye.
Damn. We still sit around- spitting philosophies on the negatives in the world today.
Reality- NO. We're more concerned with troubles within OUR own world today.
We blame others for misinterpreting our characteristics
Vent on just who makes us hella tick
Its his fault.
Her fault;
Their fault-
No! Your fault.
So shut...
it.
&Swallow down the truth with an ecstasy tablet.
Yeah. I said it.
Product A; example one:
A generic, addictive form of captured happiness
Damn, our generation's really made a mess-
To stoop so low as to make smackin' some kinda wack ass, played out past time
Fucked up minds;
That life's no longer mine.
That lightweight feeling we hid behind.
Let's
press
rewind.
&Start this shit over this time.
Recreation.
Nix the hostile accusations.
Fuck the complications.
No more deviation on the current situation.
Cut this shit out; it's damn near unattractive.
Temporary forms of fake happiness- become inactive.
That shit's now passive.
Start
this story...
over.
Same beginning.
Deter from the crazed ass ending-
&Rationalize actual truth.
Cause if one more philosophy brushes past someone's inexperienced lips
History's event will only repeat it's shit.
The
pursuit of
happiness.
Bittersweet myth our souls seem to caress.
Disown the idea that unrelenting bliss will be so easy as to receive
Or achieve.
It's a pursuit for a fucking reason.
Take
action.

Well, well.

So basically, today was an overall all right day compared to the crap I usually put up with at school. Came to school somewhat late during second period and just laid my head down and slept through it. Same for most of third. Half of fourth. Sadly none in fifth. But the entire time in sixth. &Slept the entire bus ride home.

People kept telling me I looked so pale and dead tired today.
I guess it's because I'm so stressed over all the things running through my head so damn constantly everyday.
So I've been thinking a lot over everything that's going on with my life.
My relationships with people in general. How school is finally winding down for me and I'm trying so hard to catch up with everyone. Trying to get my family's approval again after all I've put them through. Mix in a little bit of nostalgia and theme music and you got it. Heh, well no, not really.

But I am stressed like crazy but for some reason, I wasn't stressed over the main subject that was usually knocking me hard in the head.

I'm talking about our relationship. Yes, you know who- no names needed for specifics.
It's crazy how yesterday, it seemed like we picked off where we left off.

Apologized. Voiced our opinions and I finally grasped a gist of how you may be feeling.
Then I tried seeing things from your side.
I saw it. &Yes, felt a little guilty.

So my voice towards you softened last night.

I tried to become as gracious and nice as I possibly could.
&Today, we talked regularly. With ease for the longest time in what seemed ages.
I like the feeling of it. The calm content.
It's nice. (:

Bliss.

You texted me back. Or specifically- IMed me. Whoooo.
So now this whole thing with me being emotionally bothered by our past situation is a thing of yesterday's past and a complete misunderstanding of one another's side of story.
We caught up. Said apologies.
You laughed. I laughed.
There were no lulls in conversation- no ruts that made me worried.

I was able to laugh at myself in what seemed the longest time ever.

You showed me that bento box that fucking made me freak. It's so cute... :DDDD

&Time passed by quickly but with actual meaning.

I knew you could always be my stress reliever.
I love you! <3

&Just cause you already know why... (:

Indifference.

So a phrase popped into my head this morning that I got from youth group last year. It's crazy how I just now remembered it. I'm assuming it just popped into my head after I recapped all of our recent talks about this whole situation. This whole relationship. (?) This whole fucking practical joke.

"The opposite of love is indifference."

I was always made to believe that the opposite of love was hate. Happy was sad. Funny was tragic. Just complete polar opposites of the original feeling.

So when they started talking about indifference- it made me confused. What the fuck is indifference? Honestly.

It's an unbiased impartial unconcern. No feelings, no emotions whatsoever that could even label it as a specific feeling because you don't FEEL it per say.
I had to mull the phrase over and over again in my head until I probably over analyzed its meaning to the key. Crazy.

But suddenly, that phrase made me think again today.

We talked again. Talked about how our compromises were never met half way with one another. How distrust was already forming in the bullshit of a mess we made up in the first place. How we didn't have chemistry. How it seems like we both have freaking steel walls built against each other.

"... I'm so tired of how we don't talk as much as if you don't give a damn."

I'm exhausted. It's still a wonder to me though, just why we both still insist to partake in something we both obviously think is 40% a waste of our time. The other 60% based on our weak hearted feelings for each other and the fact that we've grown accustomed to one another's presence around. Then again, we'd have to knock the percentage down a bit more since there are too many negatives and arguments for anyone to actually ignore.

Let's try this again.
48% waste. 52% retry.

There, the numbers are more specific now.
So let me ask this question again.

Why bother with something so obviously pointless and mind wrenching when neither one of us is actually cooperating with the other? Why voice out just how much my characteristics and habits make you frustrated with me? Why do I cry over petty matters if it's obvious that we're driving each other crazy? Why keep fighting for that 4% difference in hopes that it'll favor a certain percentage when both our feelings and characters are subject to change every single second of every day?

Because the feeling we have isn't indifferent. It's not mutual.
Not casual.
Not even a slight bit lightweight.
Because we feel like taking a chance.

I'm not drawing the connection that since this feeling isn't indifference, that it's love-
But it takes some sort of twisted affection for one another to actually keep indulging in this whole getup that we've been trying to work through.

So no, I'm not naming this off as love. Far from it
because I'm not completely positive that we both can indulge in that sweet splendor after all the shit we've done.

But that phrase did make me think about things.
If you didn't put up with my daily rants and mess ups and you just didn't give a fuck-
Well hello, indifference.
But you care. &I try not to admit it much, but I can see the look in your eyes sometimes that says you feel something towards me.

Actually, you know what?

I give up.
As deep as this whole blog sounds and as much as it sounds like I've figured out the whole concept of this love and indifference equation- I'm probably most likely far from the actual meaning. I'm probably just basing off what I think I know and feel but fuck it. To each his or her own, I guess.
I'll still stick by my word.



(And you.)

Venting.

So I'm completely slacking on this whole blogging thing.
It's not that I've been too busy to write though because I'm on myspace or iminlikewithyou pretty much all the time now. I guess it's just that I've been to stressed over numerous things to actually write down everything word for word. It's a freaking overload for me. But whatever. Here's my venting over certain people.

*I've realized just how much I'm better off not worrying over the things you put me through anymore. I think it's just safer for me not to spread my emotions around with you. It's obvious that the more attached I get to you, the more I beat myself up on trying to get your complete attention. I believe that working for something you want may hurt and everything but this whole situation with me having to deal with all these extra non-essentials in this "relationship" is petty bullshit. You've already heard me rant over this numerous times already. I'm tired of giving the same argument, whatever. We'll talk later.

*So someone at my school looks like a carbon copy of you, except younger by like, two years and a little skinnier. He wears glasses just like you. Acts like you. Sounds like you. Dresses like you. He even takes up skateboarding as a hobby like you used to. Wow. I freak out sometimes when I see him at school because he immediately reminds me of you. Crazy. You're not even responding to any of my text messages right now. What the hell. I know I'm being pretty messed up by neglecting everything and I honestly am truly sorry, but if I see that carbon copy of you again at school, I swear I'll cry like crazy because you haven't contacted me back yet. Seeing the copy will bug the heck out of me only because I see him pretty much everywhere at school. Hell, he even has the same first letter in your name. Damn, I'm pathetic.

*Carbon copy! Haha. So I finally talked to you last Wednesday after school. That was pretty cool I guess. &Conversation came hella easy. I wanna make you my bestfriend now. :) Haha. But I think that'll be pretty awkward for me, taking in account the whole nickname I gave you for this- inspired by the person above. ^^^^ Wow. I don't even know why I had the urge to write about you but maybe I just had the need to because it seemed right. Whatever. &Btw, happy late birthday again. HELLA LATE. December. Aha. Yeah. M'really pathetic.

*I liked you better in the beginning before you turned out to be completely backstabbing. Dude, seriously. I mean come on- I practically made hella memories with you and I thought we were hella close. &You made me promises. Turns out you break them behind my back. Fuck. Get your own. Don't try stealing mine. This is like some immature middle school fight again, wow. &We're all trying to be really slick and chill about it when you already should know just how much I wanna kick your ass. I don't look the type, huh? Cause I'm so petite and not as wild as you. Watch me. You'll see, hun. (:


Wow. I would write more-
But I have to go get ready to watch "Watchmen" with the siblings, grandparents, auntie, &uncle. (:
&My mom's coming back from Vegas today! I missed her all weekend. <3>

Mixed signals.

Be straight up with me. Please. For once, be straight up about just how you feel about this whole situation. About the past fights. About our insecurities. About me. I want to know all of it yet it's so hard to open up to each other. Why?
I'm unsure of what you're thinking- but I know that I'm scared. I try my best to stay rational and grounded when relationships come my way. I usually never show just exactly how I am until I am comfortable.
With you, things are comfortable. But not in the way I'm used to. This feeling is more indifferent, the feeling where I like you there but then I feel as if I shouldn't sell myself too short. At least not right now.
Maybe later. Prove to me you're not playing games anymore. I stopped awhile back. So why haven't you?
You keep saying that it's because of my track record. How you think I seem disloyal to you. How it bothers you when I don't seem to be happy when you constantly want to check my text messages, call history, and myspace.
I can't be with someone who doesn't trust me. Without trust, there is no relationship.
Yes, I admit we've hit ruts and I've had my own doubt in this whole chance we're taking- but not once did I say I didn't have trust in you. You need to give me the same respect if this is to work.
You also need to be patient with me. If anything, I enjoy patience in a relationship. I like to work for what I've earned, whether it be your love or even just a simple acceptance, I still want to be patient in working for it. To me, patience makes what I've earned that more meaningful to me when I've gotten it. Same goes for how I open up emotionally. I cannot just open up emotionally to any random person, even if that person may be my partner in a relationship. I will not open up until I feel its right. If you cannot be patient with me, this will never work out and that would mean that we are both obviously wasting our time.
I'm also very tired of being pushed aside and tested by every sneaky little challenge you put up against me. Playing games is manipulation. You do not manipulate your partner. If you think that this whole manipulation/playing games thing is some sort of twisted way of finding out if I'm faithful, you're strongly mistaken.
I will not stay around anymore for someone who tests my faithfulness to them. Who is insecure. Who puts me after someone that isn't family or a bestfriend. You already understand what I mean when I write that. I will not be your second choice nor will I wait around and beat myself in the process just to see if this will work.
To be in a relationship isn't a priority to me. I can leave just as easily as I fell for you. A relationship is something I take on when I feel that I am mentally ready to give myself to someone. But you obviously don't show the same stability.
I'm completely exhausted now. I want a straight answer. Enough of these mixed signals you keep tossing my way. I deserve better from you. &If I can't get anything better out of this relationship, I would rather have a healthy friendship. So make up your mind already. You've put me through enough without the rest of this added weight this past week. I've given you your decisions already, so choose. Choose wisely though because I am not going to be wasting anymore time on someone who's only halfheartedly in this relationship. I don't deserve to be treated like that anymore. Nobody should take the person that loves them for granted. Yes, I admit to not always speaking my mind. I've gotten annoyed of some things you do and resented others for their interest in you. It made me hate it even more how you provoked it. How you did this and that with them. I chose to never say anything because I wanted to trust in you. I wanted to be the polar opposite of how you treat me. I respect your privacy and those you hang out with. Even though in my gut, I'm telling myself I'm stupid for letting you always get your way. You seem to always get your way nowadays. Well now I'm not taking it anymore. I'm done being pushed around and letting you get away with everything.

Make your decision.
I'm not waiting anymore for this if you have doubts.

ATTENTION ALL SPOKEN WORD ARTISTS AND POETS!

The Individual Collective gallery is searching for local poets and spoken word artists to showcase their talent at the new venue in downtown Vallejo. Message me back ASAP if you are interested in taking part of this event. The flier is in the works so the sooner you message, guarantees a spot on the flier.


Title: Individual Collective presents…HellaPoetic
Hosts: Dyno and Ave
Where: IC Gallery
When: Friday, March 27,2009
Time:7-10pm

Emcee: Mandeep Sethi

Spinning throught the night: DJ Rod Roc

Performers so far: Ave, Eileen, Earnest, and more.


Details: Individual Collective is presenting HellaPoetic featuring bay area poets and spoken word artists.
The event is also including live art by Individual Collective and an acoustic performance by Swim to Sydney.
In addition the topics of love, sex, and relationships will be covered by James and Marc of Lexationships.

Been Awhile.

It really has been awhile since I actually wrote on here. I'm sure everyone knows as to why I haven't been writing.
If not- here's the update.

For about a week, I stayed away from home due to stress and the fact that I knew I was just too damn lazy to go back home. &Considering the fact that all I wanted to do was spend time with my friends and boyfriend.

No. I did not give up blogging or myspace for lent.

I actually got my myspace account phished and I somehow locked it. I don't even know my damn password to my email to get the password email that Tom's supposed to send you if you forget.
But here is my email nonetheless: ohaveeee@aim.com
Add me up for sure. (:
I need all +800 of my friends back, aha.

But for lent, I did give up:
* Junk food.
* Anything hella greasy. (ex: pizza)
* Nothing below the influence if you understand that.
(No burnin or smaaaackin;; alcohol consumption may be allowed on certain occasions)

The third lent thing might actually stay permanent for me to give up.
It's my most preferred choice and plus, Justin always gets on me about the effects of this thing or that thing.
He lectures me about it a lot and I know how much he hates it, so I'm stopping for good most likely.
I actually like that anyways. After researching about all that junk, I'm kind've paranoid about it anyways.

What else? Hmmm.
Yes, I do still go to Vintage High.
So fucking lame but it'll have to do until ACHS opens up.
The new school will be pretty much, two streets away so that's convenient.

OH! This Friday- March 6, 2009 @Redhouse in Walnut Creek!
Swim to Sydney is performing so get on that shit. (:
They have hella more performances coming up!

I'll put the show days on a later post.

ALSO IMPORTANT!
Spoken word artists and poets are needed for Individual Collective's first OPEN MIC SHOW!
It'll be held in downtown Vallejo on March 27, 2009.
Message me on myspace if you're interested in joining!

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