Slacking.

On posting up and updating. Sorry.

Everything's okay.

My life is settling down now and there's less trouble for me to deal with.

That frustration that was in my life is now gone. It ended the wrong way of course since once again, he drew conclusions. Whatever. You act as if having a friend over my house gives me the death penalty, dude. But yennoe what? It's fine. I'm okay with the outcome with everything cause hey- you're happy with someone. That's good. So you ended up having someone in the end for you after all. Enjoy the company, man.

&Me, I'm fine with just chilling and taking things as they come. Nothing's set in stone for me at the moment.
I wna stay more focused on my youth group and studies right now anyways. &Building up a stronger, healthier foundation with my family. I'm getting some progress with my mom again &its a great feeling to have her around me. I like the way we can laugh and just be CHILL. No tension after alla the tough shit. I love that. Youth group is helping a bunch too. I'm seeing everyone practically every other day and Passion Play has been the ultimate stress reliever. You have no idea just how grateful I am to people like these. &Studies? Well, it's a work in progress. I prefer being by myself in my studies so most likely, independent studies is where I'll be at. I'm gna just do that and get my high school diploma. Being in a public high school with friends is the least of my interests now. I just wna graduaaaate! I'll be in the process of getting my license too finally. Haha. &Hopefully in all of this mess, I can find a job. Maybe they'll rehire me back at Chase Receivables. Aha, being a transfer agent was a really comfortable and easy job. That or maybe Novato with my mom. I'll check my options later.

Relationship wise, I am perfectly happy with what I have for myself. No stress. No bullshit. I'm just happy to do things on my own for once. I was raised to be an independent and nothing has changed about that. I don't need anything from another person to make me feel secure or to make me have the need to be dependent. I'm okay.

&Yennoe what? Shit's looking up for me. (:

Sudden thought.

The frustrations you put me through are fucking insane.

Actually, that was more than a sudden thought.
More like it's a constant repetition of annoyance that repeatedly beats me over in the head. Gah. As to why I still put up with the negativity is beyond me. I'm done.

* So recently things have been looking up and changing for the better besides the little side factor that I've been getting lately. Least in my perspective anyways. I'm enjoying the changes. Its refreshing to the usual schedule.

Unease and irritation.

So this week of March is definitely... different.
Remember two days in particular, the 17th and 19th. Yeah. The certain days with CC.

The title seems to match just exactly how I'm feeling at this point. All cards out on the table, I needa vent this shit and not need to worry about if it makes people think this or that. Get sad. Or mad. Or just anything negative. I'm tired of trying to fit into everyone's life now. Trying to perfect myself. Yes, I act like I have control. Try burying myself in my studies. Not showing emotion as much as I usually would. Put up the constant walls. Act fair. Try being the better person. But fuck it. I want what I want for once! Please. Just once, I would want everything that I feel strongly about. I want that guy that I'm practically head over heels for. But I want him. Just HIM. No other add ons. No other girls on him. I don't want to be second place anymore. I deserve better than that from him. Or at least someone else that can show me different. WHERE THE FUCK IS EVERYONE? I keep running into relationships at the wrong time. The feeling is so right to me. Yet, I'm pushed aside still because there's someone else in this bullshit of an equation. I sit here and act as if I'm strong enough to get through this. Get through the emotional beating its putting me through when the mere image of her next to you pops into my mind. &Won't leave. I try my hardest, I do. But I feel I deserve more than that. I need someone who needs just me. Just. me. I can feel a knot in the middle of my chest that I'm trying so hard to choke down. Have calm recollective... NO. Fuck that.


I need someone that can be there for me.
That needs me just as much too.
I need someone that can give me himself fully.
I need. I need. I fucking need a break from this shit.
I need someone to actually tell me straight up that they're willing to build something with me.
Something strong. Something reliable. Something I feel I need after all I've been put through lately.

Bottomline.

I assume that if I keep my time all full and busy with extra junk to do-
I won't have to think too much on my whole situation.

So focus on school tomorrow. I have a shit load of work I'm probably gna get tomorrow. GAH. I'll probably be stuck in the library in the morning and during most of lunch again to work on it. Least that way, I'm not so worried over the tension factor between me and that damn carbon copy. I swear. It's like twilight zone mixed with a bit of nostalgia whenever I talk to him. It's driving me insaaaaaane. I can only talk to him in person a few minutes at a time before I feel it getting weird. I'll just stick to texting you. Less weird. But c.c's becoming a pretty good friend though. That's nice. I need that.

I need to write two more pieces for the "Hella Poetic" show. Shitshitshit. I have two so far. The proposing one and the generic happiness one. UGHHH. I want to do one about my school and the crowd there but I'm unsure of how I'll pitch it and make it sound good without it sounding fucking boring and ish. It's a work in progress. I have a good idea for another one I'm writing. Now if I could only memorize all of these pieces without going onstage with the paper with me... -_-;


But still...


You are driving me crazy here. I'm not even sure what to do about this. I want to seem like I have control over my part of the situation but it's just an act. Fuck. I can't even sleep right now cause this shit's bugging the hell out of me. Be composed. Breathe. Be completely rational. I'm trying. And failing. What the fuck is happening? I know what it is.
I miss you. :/

Practically generic.

Tell me I'm wrong
Tell me to stop
Tell me I'm a hypocrite
But tell yourselves to shut up and fucking listen for once
We're all too wrapped around the concept
That without materialistic pleasures, we are left inept
Left unsatisfied with the real world's society
Blaming external forces for the ruination of yours and my own mentality
We try to escape.
Try to release our bonds from the mess we've created for some under the influence getup.
Give up that shit cause you'll only fuck up.
We try to obtain happiness in any form of it we can.
Physical. Or mental.
We've skipped all fundamentals.
We're desperate.
We're ignorant.
Ignorance is bliss; but it just won't cut it.
Yes.
I am a fucking hypocrite.
Or cynic. Either way I'm tired of this modern bullshit.
It's amazing how rare true happiness is in our generation.
Hope being our reason. Our own fake ass inspiration.
Our own idealism on this make believe garbage is abomination.
Sudden self reflection:
People's idealism on happiness gathers through our own transpired connections.
Media's to blame for all of this over hyped, stereotyped shit full of lies
Individual thinking. Different answers. Say goodbye.
Damn. We still sit around- spitting philosophies on the negatives in the world today.
Reality- NO. We're more concerned with troubles within OUR own world today.
We blame others for misinterpreting our characteristics
Vent on just who makes us hella tick
Its his fault.
Her fault;
Their fault-
No! Your fault.
So shut...
it.
&Swallow down the truth with an ecstasy tablet.
Yeah. I said it.
Product A; example one:
A generic, addictive form of captured happiness
Damn, our generation's really made a mess-
To stoop so low as to make smackin' some kinda wack ass, played out past time
Fucked up minds;
That life's no longer mine.
That lightweight feeling we hid behind.
Let's
press
rewind.
&Start this shit over this time.
Recreation.
Nix the hostile accusations.
Fuck the complications.
No more deviation on the current situation.
Cut this shit out; it's damn near unattractive.
Temporary forms of fake happiness- become inactive.
That shit's now passive.
Start
this story...
over.
Same beginning.
Deter from the crazed ass ending-
&Rationalize actual truth.
Cause if one more philosophy brushes past someone's inexperienced lips
History's event will only repeat it's shit.
The
pursuit of
happiness.
Bittersweet myth our souls seem to caress.
Disown the idea that unrelenting bliss will be so easy as to receive
Or achieve.
It's a pursuit for a fucking reason.
Take
action.

Well, well.

So basically, today was an overall all right day compared to the crap I usually put up with at school. Came to school somewhat late during second period and just laid my head down and slept through it. Same for most of third. Half of fourth. Sadly none in fifth. But the entire time in sixth. &Slept the entire bus ride home.

People kept telling me I looked so pale and dead tired today.
I guess it's because I'm so stressed over all the things running through my head so damn constantly everyday.
So I've been thinking a lot over everything that's going on with my life.
My relationships with people in general. How school is finally winding down for me and I'm trying so hard to catch up with everyone. Trying to get my family's approval again after all I've put them through. Mix in a little bit of nostalgia and theme music and you got it. Heh, well no, not really.

But I am stressed like crazy but for some reason, I wasn't stressed over the main subject that was usually knocking me hard in the head.

I'm talking about our relationship. Yes, you know who- no names needed for specifics.
It's crazy how yesterday, it seemed like we picked off where we left off.

Apologized. Voiced our opinions and I finally grasped a gist of how you may be feeling.
Then I tried seeing things from your side.
I saw it. &Yes, felt a little guilty.

So my voice towards you softened last night.

I tried to become as gracious and nice as I possibly could.
&Today, we talked regularly. With ease for the longest time in what seemed ages.
I like the feeling of it. The calm content.
It's nice. (: